Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I don't know why I'm feeling the way that I am..
I know that I have so much to be Thankful for. And I make a point of Thanking God everyday for what he has given me.

I think that even though we know some things are for the best, it still hurts. Next month will mark the one year anniversary of my divorce.
And I feel like I am stuck in that place of grief. I thought I was doing so darn well. I thought that I was moving past all of the hurt and disappointment. Now I feel like I did in the beginning. And it's not a good place to be. I don't know how to move past it.
I know that I have to place my faith in God. I have done that. I do have faith that He will see me thru this trying time.
I know that the divorce was for the best. The marriage wasn't going to change. I couldn't do it by myself.
You see, I know all of these things on an intellectual basis. But my heart is so broken.
I'm having such a hard time moving past the What could have been.
For as nasty as my ex could be, he could be just as loving. That is the person that I miss. That is what makes this so hard. Because if he could have just been that loving person on a consistent basis, we could have had the life that we planned.
I'm angry that I don't get to move up north and enjoy the new house. I don't get to live the nice quiet life I had planned on. I have to start my life all over again at 53.
He always said that I didn't appreciate all he did for US..that isn't true.
I told him that it wasn't about what he could GIVE me. It was how he talked to me. All he had to do was talk nice to me. Treat me in a respectful manner...Be nice.
Shouldn't you want to treat your wife that way? Shouldn't you treat her as well or better than you treat your friends? Why did I have to be the one that he talked crap to?
I know all the answers to this. The problem was the household in which he was raised. His father was a mean SOB. He treated his wife and kids with disrespect. And my ex proceeded to do the same. I know that it is not about me. It is about how he was raised. I just wish that he could have been the one to break that cycle..But he didn't. He let his marriage end. And now we have to live with it.
I am not saying that I was perfect in the marriage. I know that I have my faults. But they came no where near treating him with disrespect.
What ever my faults were, I never deserved to have him put his hands on me.
He thought because he gave up drinking, and didn't touch me, that that was all he had to do..I forgave him and it still wasn't enough to make him think before he spoke. It didn't change his approach.
One time he told me that he couldn't do enough for me. I said, all you have to do is talk nice to me. Can it be any more simple?

So now, here I sit. Mourning the loss of what could have been.
I don't want to spiral down into depression. Maybe I feel deserted. By my now ex-husband, by Randy, by Larry..Randys girlfriend is now back. So of course, I don't hear much from him. Larry found a new girlfriend and now I don't hear from him..
I feel like if I sit in this apartment much longer, I'll go crazy.
I know that it is up to me to find a life. And I am trying. I got online today to see about becoming a volunteer at Childrens Hospital. But because this computer I have from Randy gives me so many problems, I wasn't able to actually fill out the application. I am going to go right to the hospital to do it.
I'm trying to take my mind off of me. I want to do something constructive.
I know that if I get my mind off of me and onto someone else, then God will take care of me.
But some things are easier said than done.
I know God will take me thru this storm. I believe and I trust.
My heart will heal.

I'm sorry that I went on and on.
Maybe you didn't even make it this far...lol
If you did,,Thank you for caring.

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