Saturday, December 28, 2013

I had a dream about J tonight...I woke up crying at 1:45am..
It had a lot of crazy things in it to begin with and then he was there sitting at the picnic table next to me...He had on a white beany hat...and he looked rough..like he hadn't slept in a while..
He said, " I need all of your fifties Grandma"..I asked why and he said because he needed Albuteral...(which is for people with asthma)..then his girlfriend was there next to him and I wasn't sure if we should talk about it in front of her and he smiled and said, " she knows everything about me"...I told him I needed to hug him and I did...That's when I started crying and woke up..

This hurt is so deep and there are times that I think it actually hurts physically...and I don't know if I'm going to live through it...
There are times I am so angry at him...as I was tonight..Maybe that's why he came to me in my dream....

There are times, I think I am over the crying...(lol..silly me) I can talk about him..I can explain to someone that doesn't know that I lost my grandson on Oct.4th...without a tear or a crack in my voice.....AND then, it comes and I don't think I'll be able to stop it.....
My body must know that I need to get through the week of work. Because it seems to come the hardest on the week-ends..usually Friday night...

I wish this nightmare would end and we could go back to when the kids were little...Oh God, help me through this....I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without my grandson..