Tuesday, December 2, 2014

I've spent time reading blogs but haven't felt like doing any writing of my own..
Today I decided that I should do an entry...lol..not that anyone reads them anymore.....Oh, well:)

As usual, work has been busy..I will never understand how I can hear so often that there isn't any work out there...lol..well, there is..it's just work that no one wants to do..

Last night, one of my workers didn't show up or call to say she couldn't make it...hummm...I was at the bank bright and early this morning to at least get the garbage out of there..
They were pretty nice about the situation..The main problem is that we don't have extra keys for the bank locations..it's a security measure on their part..so at these locations, our cleaner is the only one with a key..if they decide not to show up, we are out of luck to be able to take care of it..

Now I have the task of trying to get the key back from this girl. I plan on going to where she works during the day and see if I can find her in the parking lot...wish me luck..lol...

The good thing is that I do have another cleaner willing and able to take this bank on..she does one of our other banks..she does a good job, is on time, and wants more work..

I put my Christmas tree up..I have new ornaments for J..Some are Marine type ornaments and one has his initial on it...They look really nice.

I have most of my Christmas shopping done..YAY...lol...

The sad part is that I don't have as many to buy for this year.
Along with the loss of my beloved JJ, I no longer have contact with my younger grandkids. Cameron, Destiny, Mason and Laylana...
They were all born to my former step-daughters and since the breakdown of our relationships, I have lost the kids..My heart breaks for the 3 older ones..I have been their abuelita (grandma) since they were born and was so bonded with them..Probably more so with Cameron and Destiny..Mostly because I spent more time with them and they are the most loving kids you will ever meet..
I tried to instill in them that no matter what happened and no matter what they heard, I loved them and no one could ever take that away from them...
My prayer and wish is that some day when they can, they will find me and we will have a relationship again...

Time to get a little sleep before I head out to my hectic evening....

Peace to all!!

Saturday, October 4, 2014

One Year Ago.....

It still seems surreal.....
How can it be one year since we were given the worst news imaginable??







 The government has documented his date of death as the 5th of October...Well, we know that he didn't die on the 5th, he died on the 4th..
I really don't know how they can do that...to me it's hurtful..it's disrespectful and I don't acknowledge the 5th as his day of death.

Today is the one year anniversary..

And all I keep thinking is that we have to live the rest of our lives knowing he is gone and we will never see him again..never hear his voice...It never gets easier, we just learn to move on without showing the daily pain...

People DO NOT UNDERSTAND...They will compare his death to the death of their parents...Uh sorry, NOT THE SAME..
I have lost my beloved Mom..I know how it feels to think of calling her and then remembering that I can't..
But she was 87...She was so ready to go...and it's the natural course of life...
Burying your son/ grandson is NOT the natural course of life. 
So many of the young men he was in boot camp with are now getting promotions..Promotions that J will never see..He was Lance Cpl....A few months back, when the first guy made Corporal, all I could think of was that J would never make Cpl..As time moves forward, these same young men will rank ever higher, get married and have babies...
We will never see J do those things..

Today my daughter has to work....She had taken some months off from work...she had to return about a week ago..They are treating her like crap...mad because she has been off....can you imagine people being mad because you have lost your son and haven't been able to return to work???? What is wrong with people??

I just don't get it...

We have decided that we don't want to do a memorial at the cemetery with his friends...We want to be on our own..So, we will go to the cemetery and place flowers...
Then we will go out to eat..and walk the mall....I figured that it would keep us moving..
At least that's the plan,,that may change when she gets off work..we will see what happens...
Praying for all of us to make it thru the day...and each day after.

I love you to the moon and back J <3 i="">
I miss you every second of every hour of every day <3 i="" nbsp="">

Friday, September 19, 2014

Photo Book!!
Trying to get some pictures on here from the summer..
I'm having a bit of a problem getting to all of my pictures that I've gotten on my phone..I transfer them to my computer, but then I have a problem finding them..lol...
I really need to straighten up my photo files one of these days...






 This is Rob and Dylan..They are Sailors..We have become family friends with Dylan and his family..Dylan is now in Japan..
 Dylans Mom is a Marine..(she's sitting next to him)She came from Colorado to see him for his graduation.. My daughter standing..
 Monique, Shannon and Paris in Colorado..
 Monique,,,Queen of the mountain...
 Red Rock Amphitheater..Just beautiful... 
Monique....
 Michael, Clarissa and Shannon...
 My new Gold Star Plates....(Says it all)
 A Marine Mamma, Jeff (Moniques boyfriend) and Monique...
 My daughters new plates....
 My daughter with Apollo...He's such a baby...lol...
 Monique getting her new bike to take to Colorado...
 We were doing Apollo's paw print for a frame I gave him for Christmas...
 My Mothers Day Flowers from Shannon and the kids...
 My son Jeremy...This was in July for his birthday...
 Moniques graduation...

 Our one and only camping trip this year...
 Monique proving that she's strong..lol...
 Paris..Just turned 17..I can't believe it...
This is a spot on Main street in The Dells..I always take the kids pictures here..the one below with me and the kids..

This is the cemetery near the Dells..We went for the Memorial Day services and then to place flowers..I have a lot of family here..

I have to find the rest of my pictures from the summer..lol..
It's starting to get cooler here...mostly in the 60's..I like it cooler, but I don't like that it is starting so early..I believe it's going to be another cold winter...that I'm not looking forward to...

Work hasn't been HORRIBLE...lol..but it has been hectic..For one reason or another, I have 4 buildings that we are looking for help with..Regardless of what people say, there is work out there..People just don't want to do it...
I've been training a gentleman all week at the library..It's a rather large building and he is just not going to work out..I feel bad because he has had a recent brain injury..(within the last two years)..I don't know if his problem with being able to learn the job is related to that or if he just really does not want to be a cleaner..but either way, he is not going to work out..His work coach is trying to convince us that he can do the job and she will come and work with him on it..but I don't have the time or energy to see if he can..
I need to get these buildings covered and I should have been able to hand over the keys to him by now..and so far, he has only worked on garbage, glass cleaning and some mopping..Maybe if we get a smaller building, but not this one...

I'm going to take it  a little easy today and get some things done here at home...
I'll be working this week-end..at the library..I have a clinic that will need to be cleaned also but one of my regular cleaners has been giving me a hand with that..Thank goodness....

So, for now, I'm off to get the house cleaned and hopefully I'll be back to journal this week-end:)

Friday, July 11, 2014

More Changes.....

Here I go again...lol....
I have been working part time as a fill in and doing specialty work for the same company that I was an account manager for....
Well, He is in need of a manager again and asked if I would be willing to fill in until he could find someone..I said I could..He then asked if I would be interested in the job full time..Had to think about it for a minute and then said yes....oh lord, I hope I'm not making a mistake...lol...

I quit the job originally because he started taking on restaurants and the hours were killing me...I will not have to worry about doing the restaurants anymore...

I will bring home about 600.00 *Yes, $600.00 dollars a month more than what I was making at the senior living facility...

When I quit working there in March, I had a little money to live on until I could get my house cleaning business back up and running..well, that money is only going to last another month or so and I'm really scared that I might not get enough houses to make a living on....SO,,,,,back to managing for now....lol..

I will start on Monday..I have to go and pick up the Kia  and all of the keys from the office on Monday.....

It should be interesting...It will be nice to see some of the cleaners that I haven't seen since I quit as manager....

On Sunday, my daughter, my grandson Paris and I went to Illinois to see the Middle East Conflict Memorial...
They have done an awesome job..We did rubbings of JJ's name and took pictures..We also did rubbings for other families that live too far to come and see it....
I will work on getting them all packaged up this week-end to get them in the mail..I should be working on them now so I can get them out in the mail tomorrow...ugh..sometimes I just lose my ambition....Too many walls, to many names that I now know on these walls...Please pray for all of the families <3 i="">





 This is the Illinois River....
 My daughter.....

 My sweet grandson's name...I never thought I would be doing something like this..but then, neither did any of the other families..we are not alone....
 This is the panel that holds JJ's name

Friday, June 20, 2014

This pretty girl turns 21 tomorrow..Her Golden birthday!!
lol...Until a few years ago, I had never heard of golden birthdays..

She returned from Colorado yesterday..I will be going out to lunch with her and her boyfriend Jeff tomorrow..Can't wait.

Haven't seen her since we took her to Colorado for her 10 week internship...She is working for Chalkbeat, and online magazine.

She has done an awesome job for such a young girl..I am so very proud of her...
She will return from Colorado and finish her last few months of college..(although she has already walked for graduation) she does have to finish a few months of time yet...

Then who knows where she will end up..lol..she has recently mentioned on twitter something about Chicago....so we shall see what the future holds for her....

I think I'm dealing with a bit of depression..I'm going to look into going to a group for grieving grandparents...don't know if it will help, but it can't hurt.....

I'm forcing myself to go out of town this week-end..lol...My nephew is holding a benefit for a friend of his that was in a terrible crash..he is recovering but it is taking a long time and we hope to be able to help with his expenses..My nephew has a band and has enlisted the help of other area bands..the cover is only 5.00..but because it's an hour and a half away from my house I decided to get a hotel room..my sister-in-law (his mom) will come down from Eagle River and spend the night too..so we can have some girl time and catch up....

I wasn't sure if I was going to go or not..I tend to by pass things because it seems to take too much energy..but I know that if I go, I will have a nice time and it will be much better for me than sitting at home...

I'll post pictures when I get back:)
Have a great week-end!!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014


JJ....Today marks 8 months since you've been gone..
I still can't believe it's true..I can't believe that I will never see you and hold you again...
I miss your voice, I miss trying to touch your hair and you saying "grandma, stop"
I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I will love you for ever....
Miss you sweet boy!!
Well, we did it...Left this beautiful girl in Colorado......

Monique graduated college...(she walked in the ceremony in May, but has a semester to do yet..she will be officially done in Dec.)
She received an internship at Chalkbeat in Co.( It is an online magazine) for 10 weeks..Yikes..Can't believe she will be 1040 miles from home for that long..
My daughter, Moniques boyfriend Jeff, Paris and I did a caravan trip to get her there..she has her car so she can get around.

We went to check out where she will work..it's in Denvers downtown..I know she can handle it. She worked in our downtown area for some time and she is a city girl..lol

She is staying with one of the Marine Moms my daughter met in one of our Marine groups..That has helped ease some of the fear of her being so far away...

While we were there, we went sight seeing up in the mountains..so darned exciting..
 So beautiful...
 Monique, Shannon and Paris..
 Red Rock Park and Amphitheater..

We had a lovely time..could do without the long drive though...lol

Monique started work on Monday and was sent to a school meeting to live tweet the event..
On Tuesday, she had her first article published...Not bad for a 20 year old..(she will be 21 on the 21st of June)

We had a nice time..
The day we were coming home, my daughter and I had some issues...not exactly sure where they came from but it made the 16 hour drive home a bit awkward...ugh..I just don't need this again..
Not sure how we will resolve it but it is what it is..

I have been taking it a bit easy since getting home..I know I have to start working on getting my cleaning business going..lol...
I am doing some specialty work for my boss this coming week-end..I will be doing pressure washing of the drive thru lanes at some of the banks...Haven't done that before but I'll be working with someone and at least I'll be outside..so it shouldn't be too bad...I should get about 16 hours for the week-end...

On Monday, I'll be working at the Harley plant with my friend Julie..re-working parts..that will give me extra money too..so things aren't dire..lol...

Well, I guess I'm out of news for now......Have a good one:) 

Thursday, April 17, 2014

When I was younger, I was going to go out for St. Patty's Day..
My mom said that we were not Irish..hum...okay..I'll still celebrate...lol...
I had asked what we were..She stated, German, I think English and a little Indian ( thought she was making a joke with this one)..
Well, After I got into ancestry.com, I found that I really did have some Indian...On my fathers side.
My daughter didn't put too much stock into all I had to say on this subject..Soooo, she did the ancestry.com DNA...and guess what?? She is 17% IRISH...lol...Now, that could be on her dads side..I had not heard that one..I knew English and Dutch...
She is also 4% Native American....Yeah..at least I was right on that one..
I decided that I would like to know more about my own DNA..People think that EVERYONE has some Indian heritage..and that's simple not true..It will be interesting to see what my percentage is..
I should hear something with a week or two...

My night time job (and only job at the moment) will be coming to an end...My boss is once again showing that he really doesn't have any empathy for anyone..and that is upsetting..
I clean two different banks for him..They are not in the best areas. But I just keep a look out for anything suspicious..I have never had any problems..
The one bank had a break in not too long ago..I think the night before I started..they break in for the change machines..I think that time they took the whole machine..as it turned out, they thought it was an inside job because the alarms had not been working for a day or two because of work being done in the bank..This particular bank has had this happen a few times..

Yesterday afternoon, my account manager called to say that they had gotten a call from the bank and they requested that we leave the lobby lights on at all TCF banks...Okay....
I didn't really think much about it...just thought they were trying to be proactive....
NOT SO MUCH...
I got to the 2nd bank last night and noticed there was a machine broken sign on it...honestly didn't think anything of it..
Later I walked into the one small office and finally noticed that the window had been broken out and then boarded up with ply wood...
I was not a happy camper because I realized that my boss probably knew about the actual break in and didn't let me know..
His thinking is that they aren't going to break in while you're there...
I called my account manager and let her know...I also told her that I did not want to continue working at either of these banks..
She said she under stood and did not blame me one bit for not wanting to be there..I told her I would stay until they find someone but would prefer  that they do it ASAP..
I also let her know that I would send Dave (our boss) an e-mail..
I did let him know that I would like to take a building at a different location if he had something available..(which he always does).
This is the reply I got from him " We will look for replacements for all TCF locations immediately..Thank you for the heads up."
There was no mention of me working at a different location..hum..
I've worked for Dave for a long time...He didn't care when I was the account manager, I don't know why I thought he would worry about my safety at these banks...
I also know from the tone of his email that he is pissed...Can you imagine someone being pissed because you don't feel safe?
Here's my thinking..These guys that break into banks don't care about anything...With all of the lights being left on now, the next step might be, Let's get the cleaner when she is taking out the garbage or leaving the bank...Hell, they wouldn't have to worry about breaking glass or an alarm...to be honest, I'm surprised that it hasn't escalated to that already...and I'm not taking a chance that they won't think of that next..
Shame on my boss for not caring........

Wow, I've turned this into a book......Just venting...lol...

Have a good one..the week-end is almost here:) 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

It's been a busy day...
I've been transferring vhs tapes (yes,vhs) to Dvd...
The tapes I am doing now are Monique, JJ and Paris's birth tapes..With a little misc. thrown in..

It was hard watching JJ's of course..But actually it was harder watching the tapes where he is 3 years old..those tore my heart in two...but they also brought a smile to my face watching him run and play...

There will always be hard times like these..that I know for sure...

I've also answered a few ads on Care.com for housekeeping..
I hope I get some replies...Next I need to put an ad in the small community news papers...

Just got a call from my account manager for my night time job..
She said that when I leave the banks, they want me to leave the lobby lights on...Mainly because the one bank keeps getting broke into so they can steal the change machine...YES, the whole machine...lol...It happened recently..but they think it's an inside job because it happened when the alarm system wasn't working..

It makes me a little leary of working in these particular buildings for sure..I will probably let my boss know that as other buildings open up I would like to know what and where they are...Until then, at least I'm making some extra money until my business takes off..

Other than that, not much is new..I really do lead a very boring life...lol...

Have a good one!!!!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

I find it hard to watch the local news..Violence abounds...
No wonder I don't watch it often....

I didn't accomplish much today...lol..One thing at a time..I guess the rest will wait for me, as my Mom used to say..

I put a new rug in Jeremy's room..I think it's a 5x7..We have carpeting but with this, I don't have to worry so much about spills..
Yesterday at work, his phone got wet..He lays it down somewhere close to him so he can listen to music as he works..well, he works in a kitchen...lol..Of course, he had it in a place that he thought it would  be safe..
When he got home, I had him take the battery off and we put both parts in a bag of rice...
TaDa,,,,this morning he put it all back together and so far so good..
I took him to work and so I'll find out later if it is still working..the good news is that if he needs a new one, he can afford to pay for it:)
I can't remember if he has insurance on it or not...

We are finally getting into the 50s..it is so nice to have the windows open again....I love it..I'm trying to get myself in the frame of mind to start walking again...I really need to loss 20 lbs.
and that would certainly help with that..
I also need to stop eating junk food....ugh.....

Well, that's it for now:)Time to get moving doing SOMETHING..lol...

Sunday, April 6, 2014

It's a bright sunny day today..Much needed for sure...

Friday was a hard day..It marked 6 months since my grandson died.
I go by the date: 10-4-13...The official day and the one that my daughter goes by is: 10-5-13....

Does it really matter? No..I personally feel like it is the 4th so that is what I go by....

We took his uniforms to the dry cleaner..that was so hard for my daughter to do..she broke down while we were there..she is terrified that they will loss something..
I made sure to ask them if the clothes will leave the building, the woman assured me that they wouldn't..she even put it on the tag that they were not to leave the premise.
They should be done on Tues..

My daughter has a fear that something might happen to JJ's possessions that she has at her house..fire, flood, theft...whatever..it may be unfounded but it is a fear no the less.
Yesterday I suggested that she get a gun safe..One of the really large ones that you couldn't just pick up and move yourself...
I think she's going to do that:)

We went to the dollar store and bought pin wheels, little flag and ornament holders to place at the gravesite...It looks really nice..

We went for lunch and then an ice cream..

Then we headed back to her house to work on cards to send to people that attended the services...
We got about 60 done..and have maybe 50 or 60 left to do..
We had done quite a few shortly after the service..and she has done some here and there..So, that tells you that there were many people that came to pay their respects...
Everyone tells her not to worry about getting cards out, but she wants to get it done...so that is our priority:)

Today is a beautiful day..I have a few windows open, I can here the birds chirping..and I wish I had something to do outside so I could enjoy it more...

I'm actually just working on little projects around the house..I need to go to the store  and get a few things..I wish I had done that before the store gets too busy..lol..but I didn't...

I need to make a menu plan..A new menu plan...lol..we get so tired of  eating the same things...

Well, instead of writing about what I need to do, I'm going to get off of here and actually get some of these things accomplished..lol..

Enjoy your day!!  

Friday, April 4, 2014

Not sure if I'm really feeling doing this entry....
Nothing has changed where my feelings are concerned..My life has been altered in a way I never thought it would be...

Do we move on?? Yes, to some degree anyway...
In other ways, you are stuck..stuck in the knowledge that you can't change what happened..you can't bring back your baby boy..

It seems to me that other people think you should be Normal after a certain amount of time..
That is not totally possible..it appears that we are normal..we move forward with daily routines, work, shopping and such..but inside it is all still there..

I quit my job....My last day was March 28th...There were many reasons as to why I did this..
First and foremost: I wasn't making enough money to live on. I had to also work a part time evening job...Which wouldn't be too bad if I worked at an office during the day..but I didn't..I was on  my feet moving around all day..bending, stretching, lifting..
It was too much..
Secondly: the cna's did not want to take care of the residents properly and I was sick of being a witness to it...to say nothing of the fact that most (the lazy ones) of them put me on ignore because I made a few things known and they didn't like it..to bad, you should have done your job...bitches....

I decided to start a cleaning business..So, I'll clean houses during the day and then work my part time job at night..but at least I will make more than I was, call my own hours and won't have to deal with incompetent workers...
I've had my business cards made. Next step is to put an ad in the paper..which I will do next week...I felt like taking this first week easy...lol...

We will have a lot of difficult days this summer...The one year anniversary of when we last saw JJ...His birthday in August..I want to be able to grieve and celebrate those days without having to worry about spending them at a job...
I don't think people understand or care that these are hard days to  deal with..after a certain (short) amount of time, they really don't want to hear it..
They don't want to hear that you didn't sleep last night because of the pain, they don't want to hear any of it..You are supposed to just do your job...don't be down..don't have an attitude...Don't bring them down...
The ironic part of all of that is that I was actually the one to walk in the door each morning with a positive attitude..Lifting THEIR spirits...jeeeeez really...
It was hard to deal with some of their bad attitudes...really...YOU don't love your job, you don't want to be there....well, be in my shoes....
It was draining to try to keep everyone else positive....

Well, I guess I've ranted enough..No one will see this anyway, since my blog seems to have disappeared...


Sunday, January 26, 2014

I miss my grandson so much...I can not even imagine going thru my whole life never seeing him again..I can't imagine it ever getting easier to live with...

My daughter and I went thru some of his stuff this week-end..We washed all of his clothes and got some ready for the dry cleaners..
I brought one of his hats home with me..I put it in a frame..

We do try to do some normal every day stuff too...going out for a bite to eat, hang out with the kids and watch movies...(when they have time for us) lol...

Dealing with the loss of JJ makes dealing with the stress at work even harder...ugh..I have a couple of the CNA's pissed off because they blame me for having to do their work..Uh, hello, you don't take a job working with the elderly if you're not going to do what you're supposed to..I WILL let my boss know what is going on...
I'm actually thinking of trying to find a different job...I was so excited when I got this job because it is days, has insurance and isn't overly far from my house (well, except when it is snowing)..
The truth is, I don't make enough an hour for the work I do. I pay $140.00 a month in insurance and can't use it because I can't afford the co-pay and the deductable...It absolutely sucks..
I fell in my parking lot this last Thursday..Hurt my right hand and couldn't go to the doctor...I knew if it was broken that the only thing they would do is put a hand splint on it and I did that myself..Thankfully, it worked and now today it is much better...
If I had gone to the doctor they would have done an x-ray and along with the office visit, it would have been alot...I just think it sucks that you pay for insurance that you can not use....

Well, I guess I've complained enough for one day so I will end this....

I love you J....