Wednesday, August 19, 2015

I am struggling to stay with the new job.
In fact, today I put in my two week notice..My new boss (Scott) called right away to talk me out of it..He says things will change. Hummm....

I have been working 11 to 15 hours a day..Covering buildings, going to the office at 3..driving from one end of the state to the other..(ok, I may have exaggerated that one) honestly, I have buildings that are an hour apart. So, if I have to cover both of them on the same night, I have that long drive..ugh..
I have most of my buildings to take care of at night..but I have three restaurants that are early morning. that's tough when I've been up until 3 or 4 in the morning..then I feel guilty that I didn't take care of them..
Scott told me this morning that he doesn't really care about the restaurants. He would never have taken them on. He doesn't really care if they go with another company or not.
This has been a very stressful time for me..Dealing with the physical and mental stress has taken it's toll.
I have had 3 cleaners quit without giving notice..I need a fill-in to cover things like this so I can be out at the other buildings making sure they are being cleaned properly..
Scott now says that he will give me a fill-in that one of the other managers is using..(I'm sure she will be happy-NOT) but she does have another fill in so it makes sense..I NEED the help..

Right now, I have been working week-ends..that takes it's toll also. I never have a chance to decompress from the stress of the week.
If I get the fill in, then that person can take care of the week-end buildings..
THAT would be wonderful..
I knew Scott would try to talk me out of I must say, I am scared about not having the income..The other job I have been offered doesn't pay half of what I am earning now..I planned on working an additional part time evening job to supplement the day income..

Now I'm not sure what I should do..It's times like this that I wish I had a partner to help me work thru this. But I don't so it's all on me..I know my son worries about what is going to happen..I try to tell him we will be okay. but he still worries.

The sad fact is, that is all I have to talk about. My life is all about work right now...Hopefully next time I post an entry it will be about something cheerful:)  

Thursday, July 9, 2015

This is my boss (Dave) last Christmas!!!

Well, he will only be my boss until the end of the month..He sold the business. Effective August 1st..I am just sick at heart. I certainly don't blame him. I'm surprised he has made it this long..
He said the new company is willing to hire me on..same pay.. but I don't know yet what my duties will be..One difference will be that I will have scheduled work hours (I believe)..I don't know how much Dave knows about the position I will get but he did mention that I would probably start at 5:00-5:30pm..
Right now I have been working mostly nights but I was hoping for that to end as soon as I get all of our buildings filled.
Then I would work mostly days re-supplying, inspecting and touching base with customers..From our conversation, it sounds like each duty is done by different individuals..The other position would be to go building to building in the evening training people and checking up and in with others..

I have a meeting with the new owners on Tuesday..It should be interesting.
I am not going to have a choice but to take the position. I have to have an income..

Right now, I have a company vehicle and gas card..I have a feeling that I won't have that with the new company. I think I'm going to have to use my own car. That's not too bad if you go to one place each day. This consists of going from building to building. And believe me you put MAJOR miles on in a day..

Ughh....I am not looking forward to this type of change.
I have just recently had my son start working for Dave..and my grandson also.
They have been a HUGE help to me..Like last night, I had 4 buildings to cover. If I hadn't had my son with me I wouldn't have gotten home until after 2:00am..
I won't have the luxury of having helpers like this.
I have the flexibility to make decisions to bring along who ever I need when I need it..

Daves company has less than 50 people. The new companies web site says that they have over 300..Dave's is a mom and pop will be a big change.

The other part that is hard is that when it's such a small company,you feel very close to each other..I am feeling such a loss in my heart and I don't really need that right now..
The new company takes over the 1st of August..That is my grandsons 21st birthday..SO, not only do I have to deal with the change..I get to do it while I am mourning the loss of my sweet boy on his birthday..

I am having a hard time keeping it together as it is..I have spent last night and today either crying or trying not to cry.
Dave just called to tell me about one of the cleaners and I almost started crying..ugh...

My son is going to be 29 this month..he  has aspergers and so he isn't as advanced as your average 29 year old..He is worried about what we are going to do..I don't want him to worry  so I have put on the happy face..I took him today to get his temporary permit renewed and then we went to work force development to see if they could help him with training of some sort and work placement..They don't do that there..they directed us to Department of vocational resources..we have a day for orientation..and I got the information from them on what they could help me with if this new placement doesn't work out.

So, I am trying to get things in order..trying to plan ahead..I know deep down, I can find something, anything to make the bills..but this is a huge change:(

If anyone is passing by and stumbles onto this post, I am accepting any and ALL prayers!!  

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Three years ago today:

J had his swearing in and signed the first papers to become a United States Marine..
He was only 17 years old..I had a problem with that at the time and I still have a problem with it..

17 is WAY to young to sign up for that kind of life.
Although it's an honorable thing for these kids to want to do, they don't have the first clue as to what they want.
Many of them find out that being a Marine (or any other service member) is not all they thought it would be..Some of these kids have never been away from home, much less under these conditions.

I know that there are many that are fine with their decision and that's great..but for the many that are not happy with their decision, it is a hell that they don't know how to get out of..

Anyway, it's a hard day for me..I miss my grandson..
I want to go back to the days where he was spending the week-end with me..He was my helper for sure. I miss trying to touch his hair and having him pull back saying "grandma", with a touch of laughter..

One night I was trying to sleep and the next door neighbor was keeping me awake with her music..this had been going on and I was TIRED.I was working odd hours and needed any sleep I could get in between..
I decided to change bedrooms..Yep, one oclock in the morning..And J helped me move
Without complaining once..He never complained about helping me. When I would try to give him a couple of dollars he would not want to take it..I told him that I didn't mind his helping me without expecting anything but once in a while I wanted to be able to give him something..So, once in a while he would accept a small amount of money from me..

I wonder if my brain will ever stop revolving around the loss of my beloved boy?
Will the feelings always be right under the surface? 
Never knowing what will bring them to their breaking point..
There are so  many fucking "dates"...When he was born, when he swore in, when he became a Marine, when we saw him last, when he died..there always seems to be some sort of date approaching. then there is almost a fear of how you are going to handle it..
There are many times I am able to do things associated with J that I handle better than I thought I would..without tears..BUT there are times without notice that I feel like I am going to break..
People that have lost someone want to see their loved one in a dream..oh, to feel close to them again.
But sometimes these dreams are the very things that will bring out the saddest emotions. Just pain. an ache that you aren't sure you can even bear..
I want one of the dreams that makes me wake up with a smile having seen, heard and touched him..
I haven't been lucky enough to have that dream yet.
I hope it comes soon...
I have had the dreams that make me wake up crying.
I actually had a dream that J was in and I was happy and everything was bright and cheery..and then in my dream, I realized that I was "having" a dream that he was there..and then realized that he was still "gone"......I woke up crying and just feeling was terrible and stayed with me most of the day..

We planted flowers for J the other day. I think we did a nice job..Neither my daughter or I are plant or flower I think we did a good job..

More later:

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

It's been some time since I've posted an entry....

Here is some of what has been going on:

My granddaughter has graduated college, gotten a nice job (teaching) and she and her boyfriend have moved into their first apartment...He also just graduated and has a good job..

Over Christmas Holiday, they traveled to Africa to attend a family wedding on Jeffs side. His parents are from there and still have lots of family there..
Then they took a jaunt over to Paris..Yes, Paris...Jeffs dad lives there and they wanted to spend some time with him...

All of this and they are only 21...Not too shabby..

I am so proud of both of them..

Work has been horrible on so many levels..I know why I got out of it two years ago..It's too bad that I need the, I would NOT be doing it again..
The worst part is having clients that you just CAN NOT make happy...
We have two workers that clean a foundry..and for the most part, they don't do too bad of a job..The biggest bonus is the they arrive on time everyday...4:00AM...then they work four hours...Do you know how hard it is to find people that can and will get to work on time at 4:00am?? It's HARD....I do try to cut them some slack because they are so dependable..and because it's a you know how dirty and dusty they are?? the worst..
Our contact person there will sometimes just nit pick every thing...Drives me crazy and then I end up spending more time there each week. I should have to only be there once a week to inspect and is my life right now..

Today marks 17 months since my sweet J has left us..Still doesn't seem like it can really be true...Love you J <3 i="">
We just found out last night that the Air Forces Blue Thunder will be honoring my grandson at their show this year in our area...Wow..they will have an area for us. We won't have to worry about parking and we are able to invite up to 30 people to join us...
How special is that? It makes me cry...

Love you J.......