Thursday, June 25, 2015

Three years ago today:

J had his swearing in and signed the first papers to become a United States Marine..
He was only 17 years old..I had a problem with that at the time and I still have a problem with it..

17 is WAY to young to sign up for that kind of life.
Although it's an honorable thing for these kids to want to do, they don't have the first clue as to what they want.
Many of them find out that being a Marine (or any other service member) is not all they thought it would be..Some of these kids have never been away from home, much less under these conditions.

I know that there are many that are fine with their decision and that's great..but for the many that are not happy with their decision, it is a hell that they don't know how to get out of..

Anyway, it's a hard day for me..I miss my grandson..
I want to go back to the days where he was spending the week-end with me..He was my helper for sure. I miss trying to touch his hair and having him pull back saying "grandma", with a touch of laughter..

One night I was trying to sleep and the next door neighbor was keeping me awake with her music..this had been going on and I was TIRED.I was working odd hours and needed any sleep I could get in between..
I decided to change bedrooms..Yep, one oclock in the morning..And J helped me move
Without complaining once..He never complained about helping me. When I would try to give him a couple of dollars he would not want to take it..I told him that I didn't mind his helping me without expecting anything but once in a while I wanted to be able to give him something..So, once in a while he would accept a small amount of money from me..

I wonder if my brain will ever stop revolving around the loss of my beloved boy?
Will the feelings always be right under the surface? 
Never knowing what will bring them to their breaking point..
There are so  many fucking "dates"...When he was born, when he swore in, when he became a Marine, when we saw him last, when he died..there always seems to be some sort of date approaching. then there is almost a fear of how you are going to handle it..
There are many times I am able to do things associated with J that I handle better than I thought I would..without tears..BUT there are times without notice that I feel like I am going to break..
People that have lost someone want to see their loved one in a dream..oh, to feel close to them again.
But sometimes these dreams are the very things that will bring out the saddest emotions. Just pain. an ache that you aren't sure you can even bear..
I want one of the dreams that makes me wake up with a smile having seen, heard and touched him..
I haven't been lucky enough to have that dream yet.
I hope it comes soon...
I have had the dreams that make me wake up crying.
I actually had a dream that J was in and I was happy and everything was bright and cheery..and then in my dream, I realized that I was "having" a dream that he was there..and then realized that he was still "gone"......I woke up crying and just feeling was terrible and stayed with me most of the day..

We planted flowers for J the other day. I think we did a nice job..Neither my daughter or I are plant or flower I think we did a good job..

More later: