Saturday, December 28, 2013

I had a dream about J tonight...I woke up crying at 1:45am..
It had a lot of crazy things in it to begin with and then he was there sitting at the picnic table next to me...He had on a white beany hat...and he looked rough..like he hadn't slept in a while..
He said, " I need all of your fifties Grandma"..I asked why and he said because he needed Albuteral...(which is for people with asthma)..then his girlfriend was there next to him and I wasn't sure if we should talk about it in front of her and he smiled and said, " she knows everything about me"...I told him I needed to hug him and I did...That's when I started crying and woke up..

This hurt is so deep and there are times that I think it actually hurts physically...and I don't know if I'm going to live through it...
There are times I am so angry at him...as I was tonight..Maybe that's why he came to me in my dream....

There are times, I think I am over the crying...(lol..silly me) I can talk about him..I can explain to someone that doesn't know that I lost my grandson on Oct.4th...without a tear or a crack in my voice.....AND then, it comes and I don't think I'll be able to stop it.....
My body must know that I need to get through the week of work. Because it seems to come the hardest on the week-ends..usually Friday night...

I wish this nightmare would end and we could go back to when the kids were little...Oh God, help me through this....I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without my grandson.. 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

I am feeling so discouraged...I don't know where my blog family went...but they seemed to have disappeared when I needed them most:(
Maybe death is too much for most..
It's too much for me, but I don't get to leave. I have to live with it every day..every minute...It does not go away..

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I don't even know what I have to say anymore.......

I go to work in the morning...I come home and try to eat something and maybe get a few minutes of sleep..and then at 5:30 I head to  my second job..I get home about 8:30 and sit and figure out what HAS to be done before I go to bed..Not that I always Get it done, lol..but I do  think about it...

My mind runs a hundred miles a minute every day........
I think of my grandson every minute of the day...sometimes it feels like I am moving on..."being" normal...but I'm not, JJ is in my thoughts every minute..I don't know what comes next..I don't know how life can go on when we are missing one of the most important people in it...
It's just not fair..

We go shopping, we go out to eat, we work, we do the things every day that we have always done...but we do it knowing that he is gone...we do it while we wonder how we can face the next day...

And now to top it off...My girlfriends father has passed away and my daughter and I will head to Eagle River this week-end for the funeral..
I had taken off from my night job on Friday for an awards function for my day job...and now I won't be able to go to that..
The ride to E.R. is about 4 hours..My daughter will pick me up at work at three and we will head out...
The funeral is on Saturday...
My sister in law also lives in Eagle River...so we will spend some time with her while we are up there..
Her husband is having surgery tomorrow...ugh..it just won't stop....Praying that all goes well for Richard....

I guess that's about all I have for now....It's after ten and I better think about going to bed.....

Saturday, October 26, 2013

This is the Memorial a woman on one of the Marine sites made for us...

It has been three weeks of hell....I say this is our new normal..We don't have a choice...it's unfair...Everyone keeps saying how strong we are...No, we are not strong..we don't have a choice...We have to think of the other kids..I still have to go to work...it just sucks no matter how you look at it.....

Last week Wednesday, JJ returned home..We went to the airport with our gunny sargent...There were so many people there..oh my gosh...Bikers Galore...from the Patriot Guards, and Rolling Thunder...They not only escort you to the funeral home, but they stay there so that you are not bothered by the Westboro Church NUTS..


There were Marines, the news stations and probably 18 motorcycle cops..
The escort home was an amazing site...People standing along the side of the roads, in every different township, they had one of their firetrucks and firemen saluting...

It was probably a 20 mile drive and they had barricaded each intersection..it was a huge procession...

Once back at the funeral home, we were finally able to see him..
It was (and is) so hard to comprehend..but we were glad he was home..it was one less thing to worry about...

We had the viewing on Friday the 18th...
My daughter greeted people for four hours...Literally...four hours..
I don't know how she held up..I think it helped give her something to do...she heard stories about JJ from other young Marines..Two boys paid their own way from North Carolina to get here to pay their respects...

The Patriot Guards stayed outside the whole time..and it was cold..I kept trying to get them to come in and get something to eat..they wouldn't..they said they had a job to do....Protecting my grandson....

Saturday was his service..we had an hour and a half time of viewing before the service..They did the 21 gun salute, played taps and one of his high school teachers spoke, as did his recruiting sargent...
I pray to God that I never have to live thru this again....it was the hardest thing I have ever done..
And on top of that, we had to deal with JJ's dad and so called step-mother being there..I know we are not supposed to hate,, but I hate those two people more than I can say..it took everything I had in me not to slap both of them..
They did nothing but torture my grandson and then sit there like this is hurting them...Well, let me tell you, I did not see ONE tear from either of them....
I hate both of them and hope they rot in hell for the torture they put JJ thru....

The paper work finally came for his cremation...So, that took place yesterday..and this morning, we go to the funeral home to pick up the urns....
And then we are going to go to Great America in Illinois..I know, it sounds weird..but we need to Do something..we need a break from all of it..we need to spend one on one time with Monique and Paris..We probably won't stay long and we really won't be getting away from anything, but it may occupy our minds for a minute or two...

On Monday we will intern part of JJ's ashes at the cemetery..One more heartache to go thru...and it STILL doesn't seem real...
My heart is just broken..... 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Waking up is the hardest:(

My grandsons obituary is in the newspaper today...and sadly so is the obituary for my former father in law...Tragic....Even more so because my grandson never got to know him..
I think the last time my f-i-l saw him was when he was under the age of two...
Rest in peace Harold.....

We have almost every thing done for JJ's return home..I think the only thing we have to do now is finish his picture board..I found the most recent pictures of him when we were all camping in the Dells in June..

My daughter found the most beautiful burial plot..He will have a tree on either side of him..we will be able to plant live flowers and small greenery..In fact, a girl that she went to school with works for a local nursery and the have offered to go there and do the planting for us..Everyone has done so much..it has touched our hearts in ways we can't even explain....

The hardest part is going to be dealing with the AWFUL Westboro Baptist Church..They are so vile...they do protests at the funerals of fallen soldiers...I know the Marines were keeping an eye on their website to see if they were planning on coming here, but I decided to check for myself..In one way, I'm glad I did, because, sure enough, there at the top of the list is my grandsons name....OMG..I just felt sick that they would have a list of 11 people that they are going to protest...
Well, let me tell you......they are going to have a fight on their fucking hands when they get here...NOT only with the Patriot Guards be here, but my nephew is getting ahold of the Rolling Thunder...They are a group of Vets that ride motor cycles and they will NOT let them get close..We will also enlist the help of the Barking Lot..that is where my grandpuppy goes to day care..They said they would Bring out the Dogs...We know these dogs are loving family dogs but they will look mighty mean..90% of them will be Pitts.....

I don't know how these people can call themselves a church..it makes me literally sick to my stomach...

As it turns out, JJ won't be home until Wed..Shannon wanted to leave him at Dover where he will be looked after by his Marine brothers for as long as possible...

Tomorrow we will go and finalize his headstone..oh it is so beautiful..It stands about 4 1/2 feet tall...It is a square pillar..

Then we will be done until he comes home on Wed......and then the hardest part will start....

Please keep us in your hearts and prayers that we can get thru this.......  

Thursday, October 10, 2013


These are just some of the Memorials that have been made for JJ....
Our Delta group that was started when the boys were in boot camp have rallied around us...They started a fund raiser and have flooded our face book pages with thoughts, prayers and love....

My daughter Shannon has been on the news numerous times..The first time was because of JJ being from our area..then the national news got into it because of the government shut down..they are not sending out the death benefits that usually go out in 36 hours..there also might be a problem with the funeral home getting paid because of the shut down..right now there aren't any checks being written for these things...

My daughter is doing the interviews more for other families that can't afford to take time off of work to mourn and prepare for their loved ones to come home..believe me, it takes a long time..
JJ died on the 5th but won't be home until next Tuesday and then the viewing will be on Friday the 18th and the services on Sat..

Shannon is blessed to have many hours of personal time off..and she gets paid...
Some families don't have that..they have to go to work while trying to mourn their loved ones..such a shame...

Tomorrow morning we go to do the obituary..that will be another trying time....
Then in the afternoon we will go to JJ's high school for a Memorial service...
Then a few days break until he comes home on Tuesday...

During all of this time, his father is acting like he is heartbroken..his dumb ass wife is acting the same..When JJ was little she used to make him sleep on the basement floor because he was a bed wetter...NO blankets..she said she was sick of doing laundry...AND NOW, she wants to act like the heartbroken step-mom...Oh Lord, help us deal with them at the service...

We also have to be worried about some baptist church that might protest at the funeral...God help them if they try that....
The Marines are keeping an eye on their web site and if it looks like they're going to show up, the will get even MORE MARINES  to stand guard...
Such a shame that people would be so cruel....

Well, on that note, I need to either do some cleaning around here or try to get some sleep...
I only worked for a few hours today at my day job..I'll work tonight and then I'll be off for the rest of the week-end.....and I need that:)

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I thought it was about time to post another entry:)

It's been a rough few days for sure...In some respects it feels like it has been weeks..not just four days.....

Yesterday, JJ was flown from Germany to Dover Air Force base..
This is my beloved grandson......

They will do the autopsy today...We found out today that he won't be home until next Tuesday..Waiting makes things so much harder....

The news crews have descended upon my daughter likes flies..
She didn't even realize that that would happen until she found out that they had talked to his dad...the person that hasn't seen him for over 6 years..the person that went to jail for beating him...and the person that didn't even know he was in Afghanistan....

She decided to do the interviews so that it would be correct...
After the local stations got what they wanted she heard from "Today"...she did the interview and totally turned it around to reflect on the fact that the government is shut down..they also used war footage and said that JJ was on the front line doing one of the most dangerous jobs..that is NOT true..he was an intelligence specialist.....Once they found out how pissed off she was, they told her that they would correct it and it will air today....

Yesterday we went to the funeral home to make final arrangements...
The viewing will be Friday the 18th and service on Sat..he will have full military honors...

I found out that my ex-step-daughter...the very one that said she didn't want my grandson Mason to see me anymore, said she was coming to the service...OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT....I sent her a message stating that she is not welcome to come..she sent back "Whatever" and then, "Then Mason isn't coming".....Dumb bitch..does she not realize that no matter what she says, I have been seeing Mason..she is not one of the brightest people around..

On Tuesday the Marines will escort us to the airport to meet JJ's plane...there will be a small ceremony and then he will go to the funeral home..
We still don't know the extent of his injuries, so we don't know if we will be able to have an open casket...either way, Shannon and I will view him to say our good byes....Oh God.....I still can't believe that this is happening.......

I'll try to keep you up dated......