Thursday, April 10, 2014

I find it hard to watch the local news..Violence abounds...
No wonder I don't watch it often....

I didn't accomplish much today...lol..One thing at a time..I guess the rest will wait for me, as my Mom used to say..

I put a new rug in Jeremy's room..I think it's a 5x7..We have carpeting but with this, I don't have to worry so much about spills..
Yesterday at work, his phone got wet..He lays it down somewhere close to him so he can listen to music as he works..well, he works in a kitchen...lol..Of course, he had it in a place that he thought it would  be safe..
When he got home, I had him take the battery off and we put both parts in a bag of rice...
TaDa,,,,this morning he put it all back together and so far so good..
I took him to work and so I'll find out later if it is still working..the good news is that if he needs a new one, he can afford to pay for it:)
I can't remember if he has insurance on it or not...

We are finally getting into the 50s..it is so nice to have the windows open again....I love it..I'm trying to get myself in the frame of mind to start walking again...I really need to loss 20 lbs.
and that would certainly help with that..
I also need to stop eating junk food....ugh.....

Well, that's it for now:)Time to get moving doing SOMETHING..lol...

Sunday, April 6, 2014

It's a bright sunny day today..Much needed for sure...

Friday was a hard day..It marked 6 months since my grandson died.
I go by the date: 10-4-13...The official day and the one that my daughter goes by is: 10-5-13....

Does it really matter? No..I personally feel like it is the 4th so that is what I go by....

We took his uniforms to the dry cleaner..that was so hard for my daughter to do..she broke down while we were there..she is terrified that they will loss something..
I made sure to ask them if the clothes will leave the building, the woman assured me that they wouldn't..she even put it on the tag that they were not to leave the premise.
They should be done on Tues..

My daughter has a fear that something might happen to JJ's possessions that she has at her house..fire, flood, theft...whatever..it may be unfounded but it is a fear no the less.
Yesterday I suggested that she get a gun safe..One of the really large ones that you couldn't just pick up and move yourself...
I think she's going to do that:)

We went to the dollar store and bought pin wheels, little flag and ornament holders to place at the gravesite...It looks really nice..

We went for lunch and then an ice cream..

Then we headed back to her house to work on cards to send to people that attended the services...
We got about 60 done..and have maybe 50 or 60 left to do..
We had done quite a few shortly after the service..and she has done some here and there..So, that tells you that there were many people that came to pay their respects...
Everyone tells her not to worry about getting cards out, but she wants to get it done...so that is our priority:)

Today is a beautiful day..I have a few windows open, I can here the birds chirping..and I wish I had something to do outside so I could enjoy it more...

I'm actually just working on little projects around the house..I need to go to the store  and get a few things..I wish I had done that before the store gets too busy..lol..but I didn't...

I need to make a menu plan..A new menu plan...lol..we get so tired of  eating the same things...

Well, instead of writing about what I need to do, I'm going to get off of here and actually get some of these things accomplished..lol..

Enjoy your day!!  

Friday, April 4, 2014

Not sure if I'm really feeling doing this entry....
Nothing has changed where my feelings are concerned..My life has been altered in a way I never thought it would be...

Do we move on?? Yes, to some degree anyway...
In other ways, you are stuck..stuck in the knowledge that you can't change what happened..you can't bring back your baby boy..

It seems to me that other people think you should be Normal after a certain amount of time..
That is not totally possible..it appears that we are normal..we move forward with daily routines, work, shopping and such..but inside it is all still there..

I quit my job....My last day was March 28th...There were many reasons as to why I did this..
First and foremost: I wasn't making enough money to live on. I had to also work a part time evening job...Which wouldn't be too bad if I worked at an office during the day..but I didn't..I was on  my feet moving around all day..bending, stretching, lifting..
It was too much..
Secondly: the cna's did not want to take care of the residents properly and I was sick of being a witness to it...to say nothing of the fact that most (the lazy ones) of them put me on ignore because I made a few things known and they didn't like it..to bad, you should have done your job...bitches....

I decided to start a cleaning business..So, I'll clean houses during the day and then work my part time job at night..but at least I will make more than I was, call my own hours and won't have to deal with incompetent workers...
I've had my business cards made. Next step is to put an ad in the paper..which I will do next week...I felt like taking this first week easy...lol...

We will have a lot of difficult days this summer...The one year anniversary of when we last saw JJ...His birthday in August..I want to be able to grieve and celebrate those days without having to worry about spending them at a job...
I don't think people understand or care that these are hard days to  deal with..after a certain (short) amount of time, they really don't want to hear it..
They don't want to hear that you didn't sleep last night because of the pain, they don't want to hear any of it..You are supposed to just do your job...don't be down..don't have an attitude...Don't bring them down...
The ironic part of all of that is that I was actually the one to walk in the door each morning with a positive attitude..Lifting THEIR spirits...jeeeeez really...
It was hard to deal with some of their bad attitudes...really...YOU don't love your job, you don't want to be there....well, be in my shoes....
It was draining to try to keep everyone else positive....

Well, I guess I've ranted enough..No one will see this anyway, since my blog seems to have disappeared...


Sunday, January 26, 2014

I miss my grandson so much...I can not even imagine going thru my whole life never seeing him again..I can't imagine it ever getting easier to live with...

My daughter and I went thru some of his stuff this week-end..We washed all of his clothes and got some ready for the dry cleaners..
I brought one of his hats home with me..I put it in a frame..

We do try to do some normal every day stuff too...going out for a bite to eat, hang out with the kids and watch movies...(when they have time for us) lol...

Dealing with the loss of JJ makes dealing with the stress at work even harder...ugh..I have a couple of the CNA's pissed off because they blame me for having to do their work..Uh, hello, you don't take a job working with the elderly if you're not going to do what you're supposed to..I WILL let my boss know what is going on...
I'm actually thinking of trying to find a different job...I was so excited when I got this job because it is days, has insurance and isn't overly far from my house (well, except when it is snowing)..
The truth is, I don't make enough an hour for the work I do. I pay $140.00 a month in insurance and can't use it because I can't afford the co-pay and the deductable...It absolutely sucks..
I fell in my parking lot this last Thursday..Hurt my right hand and couldn't go to the doctor...I knew if it was broken that the only thing they would do is put a hand splint on it and I did that myself..Thankfully, it worked and now today it is much better...
If I had gone to the doctor they would have done an x-ray and along with the office visit, it would have been alot...I just think it sucks that you pay for insurance that you can not use....

Well, I guess I've complained enough for one day so I will end this....

I love you J....


Saturday, December 28, 2013

I had a dream about J tonight...I woke up crying at 1:45am..
It had a lot of crazy things in it to begin with and then he was there sitting at the picnic table next to me...He had on a white beany hat...and he looked rough..like he hadn't slept in a while..
He said, " I need all of your fifties Grandma"..I asked why and he said because he needed Albuteral...(which is for people with asthma)..then his girlfriend was there next to him and I wasn't sure if we should talk about it in front of her and he smiled and said, " she knows everything about me"...I told him I needed to hug him and I did...That's when I started crying and woke up..

This hurt is so deep and there are times that I think it actually hurts physically...and I don't know if I'm going to live through it...
There are times I am so angry at him...as I was tonight..Maybe that's why he came to me in my dream....

There are times, I think I am over the crying...(lol..silly me) I can talk about him..I can explain to someone that doesn't know that I lost my grandson on Oct.4th...without a tear or a crack in my voice.....AND then, it comes and I don't think I'll be able to stop it.....
My body must know that I need to get through the week of work. Because it seems to come the hardest on the week-ends..usually Friday night...

I wish this nightmare would end and we could go back to when the kids were little...Oh God, help me through this....I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without my grandson.. 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

I am feeling so discouraged...I don't know where my blog family went...but they seemed to have disappeared when I needed them most:(
Maybe death is too much for most..
It's too much for me, but I don't get to leave. I have to live with it every day..every minute...It does not go away..

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I don't even know what I have to say anymore.......

I go to work in the morning...I come home and try to eat something and maybe get a few minutes of sleep..and then at 5:30 I head to  my second job..I get home about 8:30 and sit and figure out what HAS to be done before I go to bed..Not that I always Get it done, lol..but I do  think about it...

My mind runs a hundred miles a minute every day........
I think of my grandson every minute of the day...sometimes it feels like I am moving on..."being" normal...but I'm not, JJ is in my thoughts every minute..I don't know what comes next..I don't know how life can go on when we are missing one of the most important people in it...
It's just not fair..

We go shopping, we go out to eat, we work, we do the things every day that we have always done...but we do it knowing that he is gone...we do it while we wonder how we can face the next day...

And now to top it off...My girlfriends father has passed away and my daughter and I will head to Eagle River this week-end for the funeral..
I had taken off from my night job on Friday for an awards function for my day job...and now I won't be able to go to that..
The ride to E.R. is about 4 hours..My daughter will pick me up at work at three and we will head out...
The funeral is on Saturday...
My sister in law also lives in Eagle River...so we will spend some time with her while we are up there..
Her husband is having surgery tomorrow...ugh..it just won't stop....Praying that all goes well for Richard....

I guess that's about all I have for now....It's after ten and I better think about going to bed.....