Thursday, June 25, 2015

Three years ago today:

J had his swearing in and signed the first papers to become a United States Marine..
He was only 17 years old..I had a problem with that at the time and I still have a problem with it..

17 is WAY to young to sign up for that kind of life.
Although it's an honorable thing for these kids to want to do, they don't have the first clue as to what they want.
Many of them find out that being a Marine (or any other service member) is not all they thought it would be..Some of these kids have never been away from home, much less under these conditions.

I know that there are many that are fine with their decision and that's great..but for the many that are not happy with their decision, it is a hell that they don't know how to get out of..

Anyway, it's a hard day for me..I miss my grandson..
I want to go back to the days where he was spending the week-end with me..He was my helper for sure. I miss trying to touch his hair and having him pull back saying "grandma", with a touch of laughter..

One night I was trying to sleep and the next door neighbor was keeping me awake with her music..this had been going on and I was TIRED.I was working odd hours and needed any sleep I could get in between..
I decided to change bedrooms..Yep, one oclock in the morning..And J helped me move everything..lol.
Without complaining once..He never complained about helping me. When I would try to give him a couple of dollars he would not want to take it..I told him that I didn't mind his helping me without expecting anything but once in a while I wanted to be able to give him something..So, once in a while he would accept a small amount of money from me..

I wonder if my brain will ever stop revolving around the loss of my beloved boy?
Will the feelings always be right under the surface? 
Never knowing what will bring them to their breaking point..
There are so  many fucking "dates"...When he was born, when he swore in, when he became a Marine, when we saw him last, when he died..there always seems to be some sort of date approaching. then there is almost a fear of how you are going to handle it..
There are many times I am able to do things associated with J that I handle better than I thought I would..without tears..BUT there are times without notice that I feel like I am going to break..
People that have lost someone want to see their loved one in a dream..oh, to feel close to them again.
But sometimes these dreams are the very things that will bring out the saddest emotions. Just pain. an ache that you aren't sure you can even bear..
I want one of the dreams that makes me wake up with a smile having seen, heard and touched him..
I haven't been lucky enough to have that dream yet.
I hope it comes soon...
I have had the dreams that make me wake up crying.
I actually had a dream that J was in and I was happy and everything was bright and cheery..and then in my dream, I realized that I was "having" a dream that he was there..and then realized that he was still "gone"......I woke up crying and just feeling lost..it was terrible and stayed with me most of the day..

We planted flowers for J the other day. I think we did a nice job..Neither my daughter or I are plant or flower experts..lol.but I think we did a good job..

More later:




Wednesday, March 4, 2015

It's been some time since I've posted an entry....

Here is some of what has been going on:

My granddaughter has graduated college, gotten a nice job (teaching) and she and her boyfriend have moved into their first apartment...He also just graduated and has a good job..

Over Christmas Holiday, they traveled to Africa to attend a family wedding on Jeffs side. His parents are from there and still have lots of family there..
Then they took a jaunt over to Paris..Yes, Paris...Jeffs dad lives there and they wanted to spend some time with him...

All of this and they are only 21...Not too shabby..

I am so proud of both of them..

Work has been horrible on so many levels..I know why I got out of it two years ago..It's too bad that I need the money...lol..Otherwise, I would NOT be doing it again..
The worst part is having clients that you just CAN NOT make happy...
We have two workers that clean a foundry..and for the most part, they don't do too bad of a job..The biggest bonus is the they arrive on time everyday...4:00AM...then they work four hours...Do you know how hard it is to find people that can and will get to work on time at 4:00am?? It's HARD....I do try to cut them some slack because they are so dependable..and because it's a FOUNDRY....lol..do you know how dirty and dusty they are?? the worst..
Our contact person there will sometimes just nit pick every thing...Drives me crazy and then I end up spending more time there each week. I should have to only be there once a week to inspect and resupply....Ugh..it is my life right now..


Today marks 17 months since my sweet J has left us..Still doesn't seem like it can really be true...Love you J <3 i="">
We just found out last night that the Air Forces Blue Thunder will be honoring my grandson at their show this year in our area...Wow..they will have an area for us. We won't have to worry about parking and we are able to invite up to 30 people to join us...
How special is that? It makes me cry...



Love you J.......


Tuesday, December 2, 2014

I've spent time reading blogs but haven't felt like doing any writing of my own..
Today I decided that I should do an entry...lol..not that anyone reads them anymore.....Oh, well:)

As usual, work has been busy..I will never understand how I can hear so often that there isn't any work out there...lol..well, there is..it's just work that no one wants to do..

Last night, one of my workers didn't show up or call to say she couldn't make it...hummm...I was at the bank bright and early this morning to at least get the garbage out of there..
They were pretty nice about the situation..The main problem is that we don't have extra keys for the bank locations..it's a security measure on their part..so at these locations, our cleaner is the only one with a key..if they decide not to show up, we are out of luck to be able to take care of it..

Now I have the task of trying to get the key back from this girl. I plan on going to where she works during the day and see if I can find her in the parking lot...wish me luck..lol...

The good thing is that I do have another cleaner willing and able to take this bank on..she does one of our other banks..she does a good job, is on time, and wants more work..

I put my Christmas tree up..I have new ornaments for J..Some are Marine type ornaments and one has his initial on it...They look really nice.

I have most of my Christmas shopping done..YAY...lol...

The sad part is that I don't have as many to buy for this year.
Along with the loss of my beloved JJ, I no longer have contact with my younger grandkids. Cameron, Destiny, Mason and Laylana...
They were all born to my former step-daughters and since the breakdown of our relationships, I have lost the kids..My heart breaks for the 3 older ones..I have been their abuelita (grandma) since they were born and was so bonded with them..Probably more so with Cameron and Destiny..Mostly because I spent more time with them and they are the most loving kids you will ever meet..
I tried to instill in them that no matter what happened and no matter what they heard, I loved them and no one could ever take that away from them...
My prayer and wish is that some day when they can, they will find me and we will have a relationship again...

Time to get a little sleep before I head out to my hectic evening....

Peace to all!!

Saturday, October 4, 2014

One Year Ago.....

It still seems surreal.....
How can it be one year since we were given the worst news imaginable??







 The government has documented his date of death as the 5th of October...Well, we know that he didn't die on the 5th, he died on the 4th..
I really don't know how they can do that...to me it's hurtful..it's disrespectful and I don't acknowledge the 5th as his day of death.

Today is the one year anniversary..

And all I keep thinking is that we have to live the rest of our lives knowing he is gone and we will never see him again..never hear his voice...It never gets easier, we just learn to move on without showing the daily pain...

People DO NOT UNDERSTAND...They will compare his death to the death of their parents...Uh sorry, NOT THE SAME..
I have lost my beloved Mom..I know how it feels to think of calling her and then remembering that I can't..
But she was 87...She was so ready to go...and it's the natural course of life...
Burying your son/ grandson is NOT the natural course of life. 
So many of the young men he was in boot camp with are now getting promotions..Promotions that J will never see..He was Lance Cpl....A few months back, when the first guy made Corporal, all I could think of was that J would never make Cpl..As time moves forward, these same young men will rank ever higher, get married and have babies...
We will never see J do those things..

Today my daughter has to work....She had taken some months off from work...she had to return about a week ago..They are treating her like crap...mad because she has been off....can you imagine people being mad because you have lost your son and haven't been able to return to work???? What is wrong with people??

I just don't get it...

We have decided that we don't want to do a memorial at the cemetery with his friends...We want to be on our own..So, we will go to the cemetery and place flowers...
Then we will go out to eat..and walk the mall....I figured that it would keep us moving..
At least that's the plan,,that may change when she gets off work..we will see what happens...
Praying for all of us to make it thru the day...and each day after.

I love you to the moon and back J <3 i="">
I miss you every second of every hour of every day <3 i="" nbsp="">

Friday, September 19, 2014

Photo Book!!
Trying to get some pictures on here from the summer..
I'm having a bit of a problem getting to all of my pictures that I've gotten on my phone..I transfer them to my computer, but then I have a problem finding them..lol...
I really need to straighten up my photo files one of these days...






 This is Rob and Dylan..They are Sailors..We have become family friends with Dylan and his family..Dylan is now in Japan..
 Dylans Mom is a Marine..(she's sitting next to him)She came from Colorado to see him for his graduation.. My daughter standing..
 Monique, Shannon and Paris in Colorado..
 Monique,,,Queen of the mountain...
 Red Rock Amphitheater..Just beautiful... 
Monique....
 Michael, Clarissa and Shannon...
 My new Gold Star Plates....(Says it all)
 A Marine Mamma, Jeff (Moniques boyfriend) and Monique...
 My daughters new plates....
 My daughter with Apollo...He's such a baby...lol...
 Monique getting her new bike to take to Colorado...
 We were doing Apollo's paw print for a frame I gave him for Christmas...
 My Mothers Day Flowers from Shannon and the kids...
 My son Jeremy...This was in July for his birthday...
 Moniques graduation...

 Our one and only camping trip this year...
 Monique proving that she's strong..lol...
 Paris..Just turned 17..I can't believe it...
This is a spot on Main street in The Dells..I always take the kids pictures here..the one below with me and the kids..

This is the cemetery near the Dells..We went for the Memorial Day services and then to place flowers..I have a lot of family here..

I have to find the rest of my pictures from the summer..lol..
It's starting to get cooler here...mostly in the 60's..I like it cooler, but I don't like that it is starting so early..I believe it's going to be another cold winter...that I'm not looking forward to...

Work hasn't been HORRIBLE...lol..but it has been hectic..For one reason or another, I have 4 buildings that we are looking for help with..Regardless of what people say, there is work out there..People just don't want to do it...
I've been training a gentleman all week at the library..It's a rather large building and he is just not going to work out..I feel bad because he has had a recent brain injury..(within the last two years)..I don't know if his problem with being able to learn the job is related to that or if he just really does not want to be a cleaner..but either way, he is not going to work out..His work coach is trying to convince us that he can do the job and she will come and work with him on it..but I don't have the time or energy to see if he can..
I need to get these buildings covered and I should have been able to hand over the keys to him by now..and so far, he has only worked on garbage, glass cleaning and some mopping..Maybe if we get a smaller building, but not this one...

I'm going to take it  a little easy today and get some things done here at home...
I'll be working this week-end..at the library..I have a clinic that will need to be cleaned also but one of my regular cleaners has been giving me a hand with that..Thank goodness....

So, for now, I'm off to get the house cleaned and hopefully I'll be back to journal this week-end:)

Friday, July 11, 2014

More Changes.....

Here I go again...lol....
I have been working part time as a fill in and doing specialty work for the same company that I was an account manager for....
Well, He is in need of a manager again and asked if I would be willing to fill in until he could find someone..I said I could..He then asked if I would be interested in the job full time..Had to think about it for a minute and then said yes....oh lord, I hope I'm not making a mistake...lol...

I quit the job originally because he started taking on restaurants and the hours were killing me...I will not have to worry about doing the restaurants anymore...

I will bring home about 600.00 *Yes, $600.00 dollars a month more than what I was making at the senior living facility...

When I quit working there in March, I had a little money to live on until I could get my house cleaning business back up and running..well, that money is only going to last another month or so and I'm really scared that I might not get enough houses to make a living on....SO,,,,,back to managing for now....lol..

I will start on Monday..I have to go and pick up the Kia  and all of the keys from the office on Monday.....

It should be interesting...It will be nice to see some of the cleaners that I haven't seen since I quit as manager....

On Sunday, my daughter, my grandson Paris and I went to Illinois to see the Middle East Conflict Memorial...
They have done an awesome job..We did rubbings of JJ's name and took pictures..We also did rubbings for other families that live too far to come and see it....
I will work on getting them all packaged up this week-end to get them in the mail..I should be working on them now so I can get them out in the mail tomorrow...ugh..sometimes I just lose my ambition....Too many walls, to many names that I now know on these walls...Please pray for all of the families <3 i="">





 This is the Illinois River....
 My daughter.....

 My sweet grandson's name...I never thought I would be doing something like this..but then, neither did any of the other families..we are not alone....
 This is the panel that holds JJ's name

Friday, June 20, 2014

This pretty girl turns 21 tomorrow..Her Golden birthday!!
lol...Until a few years ago, I had never heard of golden birthdays..

She returned from Colorado yesterday..I will be going out to lunch with her and her boyfriend Jeff tomorrow..Can't wait.

Haven't seen her since we took her to Colorado for her 10 week internship...She is working for Chalkbeat, and online magazine.

She has done an awesome job for such a young girl..I am so very proud of her...
She will return from Colorado and finish her last few months of college..(although she has already walked for graduation) she does have to finish a few months of time yet...

Then who knows where she will end up..lol..she has recently mentioned on twitter something about Chicago....so we shall see what the future holds for her....

I think I'm dealing with a bit of depression..I'm going to look into going to a group for grieving grandparents...don't know if it will help, but it can't hurt.....

I'm forcing myself to go out of town this week-end..lol...My nephew is holding a benefit for a friend of his that was in a terrible crash..he is recovering but it is taking a long time and we hope to be able to help with his expenses..My nephew has a band and has enlisted the help of other area bands..the cover is only 5.00..but because it's an hour and a half away from my house I decided to get a hotel room..my sister-in-law (his mom) will come down from Eagle River and spend the night too..so we can have some girl time and catch up....

I wasn't sure if I was going to go or not..I tend to by pass things because it seems to take too much energy..but I know that if I go, I will have a nice time and it will be much better for me than sitting at home...

I'll post pictures when I get back:)
Have a great week-end!!